I need this show back in my life. Immediately.
Friday, December 14, 2012
waiting, and wishing, and hoping
Is it January 13th yet?
I need this show back in my life. Immediately.
I need this show back in my life. Immediately.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
For.....
“She loved the landscape inside him. It was exotic and familiar at the same time. From the start she knew she could live there for years and feel at home.”
Saturday, December 1, 2012
See, the thing is....
......that when your partner of 4 years dumps you on your ass without any indication, you kind of literally have to pick up the pieces. And you don't really know where to start. Because when you met you were only just turning 25 and when he dumped your ass bc you were diagnosed with chronic pain issues and he had a pathology around intimacy and commitment, you were nearing 30.
What is one supposed to do with all that? Having half of her 20s wasted, all along assuming this was the "one"? (Ugh, does that even exist?)
I go out with my friend tonight. We met through a women's get together thing, that actually has felt sort of distancing rather than connecting as most of the women are married and having kids and that's what ends up getting focused on because apparently that's what women in their late 20s/early 30s do?
So I pushed myself. Trust me when I say PUSHED.
It was 5:30 and I was all ready to get into my pjs, have wine and say hello to my TV. It feels old and weird and shitty to be out at a bar. But, that's one does, I suppose, when she's alone and 30 and unloved.
My friend is a doctor. She brought along some doctor friends to this other friend's birthday. Here's how that goes:
Birthday dude, whom I've never met, is superbly drunk and keeps hugging me and telling me I have beautiful eyes.
Doctor dude #1, whom I've never met, tells me all about his failing relationship and sits close to me at every bar while putting his arm around me at every opportunity.
And then there doctor dude #3 who, I've been prewarned, is a lady lover (read:player). Enter the Greek doctor named Thanos. He is an attending at 2 major city hospitals. He lived in Montreal until the age if 15. He spoke French to me. And I'm a goner.
I have no capability to be attracted to men that could possibly be nice to me or treat me well.
What is one supposed to do with all that? Having half of her 20s wasted, all along assuming this was the "one"? (Ugh, does that even exist?)
I go out with my friend tonight. We met through a women's get together thing, that actually has felt sort of distancing rather than connecting as most of the women are married and having kids and that's what ends up getting focused on because apparently that's what women in their late 20s/early 30s do?
So I pushed myself. Trust me when I say PUSHED.
It was 5:30 and I was all ready to get into my pjs, have wine and say hello to my TV. It feels old and weird and shitty to be out at a bar. But, that's one does, I suppose, when she's alone and 30 and unloved.
My friend is a doctor. She brought along some doctor friends to this other friend's birthday. Here's how that goes:
Birthday dude, whom I've never met, is superbly drunk and keeps hugging me and telling me I have beautiful eyes.
Doctor dude #1, whom I've never met, tells me all about his failing relationship and sits close to me at every bar while putting his arm around me at every opportunity.
And then there doctor dude #3 who, I've been prewarned, is a lady lover (read:player). Enter the Greek doctor named Thanos. He is an attending at 2 major city hospitals. He lived in Montreal until the age if 15. He spoke French to me. And I'm a goner.
I have no capability to be attracted to men that could possibly be nice to me or treat me well.
Monday, October 29, 2012
What I know at 30.
Dad issues are real. And they are far reaching, blindsiding and raw. Abandonment affects attachment style more than I could have ever realized.
Sister-friends are something special; they are carriers of inside jokes, shared family insanity and middle-of-the-night texters. They are on your side, endlessly, even when they disagree with you.
Being called the "cool girl" is not actually the defining compliment. It is where fear and shame and a fractured sense of self lies, waiting to be defined by a male whose worldview will never allow him to treat you kindly, with respect or as an equal.
Needs are a right, not a privilege. No one has the right to take them from you. And if they can't meet them, they need not occupy your inner circle.
Sometimes, "No." is a complete sentence.
Home is defined so much more by who you have around you than what you have around you.
The small permanent creases around my mouth, eyes and forehead are daunting. They are also lovely scars born from helping to heal the scars of those who do me the honor of sitting across from me everyday and trusting me to protect their experiences and feelings.
Loyalty is not something you are forced to define until you experience the cavernous break that creates a "before" and an "after". Your definition of loyalty will be tested. And you will discover true loyalty from the most unexpected places and betrayal from the most unexpected places.
Music is necessary. Necessary to burrow and fill your spirit and cement experiences into memories. Necessary to make you feel and hope and lose yourself.
I exist in a continuous battle with spirituality and faith.
"Good" fighters are scary. They make you lose your stand and question yourself. Sometimes you need to recognize how a strong opinion being thrown at you is actually just a defense against that person's incompetency.
I have never understood this statement as much as I do now:
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
Sister-friends are something special; they are carriers of inside jokes, shared family insanity and middle-of-the-night texters. They are on your side, endlessly, even when they disagree with you.
Being called the "cool girl" is not actually the defining compliment. It is where fear and shame and a fractured sense of self lies, waiting to be defined by a male whose worldview will never allow him to treat you kindly, with respect or as an equal.
Needs are a right, not a privilege. No one has the right to take them from you. And if they can't meet them, they need not occupy your inner circle.
Sometimes, "No." is a complete sentence.
Home is defined so much more by who you have around you than what you have around you.
The small permanent creases around my mouth, eyes and forehead are daunting. They are also lovely scars born from helping to heal the scars of those who do me the honor of sitting across from me everyday and trusting me to protect their experiences and feelings.
Loyalty is not something you are forced to define until you experience the cavernous break that creates a "before" and an "after". Your definition of loyalty will be tested. And you will discover true loyalty from the most unexpected places and betrayal from the most unexpected places.
Music is necessary. Necessary to burrow and fill your spirit and cement experiences into memories. Necessary to make you feel and hope and lose yourself.
I exist in a continuous battle with spirituality and faith.
"Good" fighters are scary. They make you lose your stand and question yourself. Sometimes you need to recognize how a strong opinion being thrown at you is actually just a defense against that person's incompetency.
I have never understood this statement as much as I do now:
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
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