Monday, April 16, 2012

ever since

in the sudden abandonment, i disappeared. though i guess that is somewhat impossible. how do you disappear when you are the one left. with suddenness. with a ceasing to exist. and so i guess i followed suit and made sure to fully disappear.
the only way one can these days. delete the facebook. block the gchat. erase the number. not that i forget it. how do you forget a number that was your emergency contact for four years?

i hate technology.

but one last form - one i kept, but that i was cut from. it is all private and closed off and there is no access.
but the bio remains. and i run across the bio - in a careless slip.  and it has changed. and it states,

"black belt in avoiding confrontation"

and i feel sick.
he is taunting.
that four years and then another without connection apparently did not stop me from making excuses for someone who is a pathetic excuse in and of himself for a human being.
he knows. he is aware. and he is smug.
humorizing his actions, or lack thereof.  being prideful in the worst kind of cruelty. of disappearing and abandoning and assuming more power than the original actions had already contained.

and i am re-injured. a shocking truth that is not so shocking. and yet renders me on the floor once more with the glaring truth that a beloved had knowledge and understanding and made a choice. made a choice to hurt. and not make a better choice. and not be better. and it is that choice that makes all the difference.