Monday, October 29, 2012

What I know at 30.

Dad issues are real. And they are far reaching, blindsiding and raw.  Abandonment affects attachment style more than I could have ever realized.

Sister-friends are something special; they are carriers of inside jokes, shared family insanity and middle-of-the-night texters.  They are on your side, endlessly, even when they disagree with you.

Being called the "cool girl" is not actually the defining compliment.  It is where fear and shame and a fractured sense of self lies, waiting to be defined by a male whose worldview will never allow him to treat you kindly, with respect or as an equal.

Needs are a right, not a privilege.  No one has the right to take them from you. And if they can't meet them, they need not occupy your inner circle. 

Sometimes, "No." is a complete sentence.

Home is defined so much more by who you have around you than what you have around you.

The small permanent creases around my mouth, eyes and forehead are daunting.  They are also lovely scars born from helping to heal the scars of those who do me the honor of sitting across from me everyday and trusting me to protect their experiences and feelings.

Loyalty is not something you are forced to define until you experience the cavernous break that creates a "before" and an "after".  Your definition of loyalty will be tested. And you will discover true loyalty from the most unexpected places and betrayal from the most unexpected places.

Music is necessary.  Necessary to burrow and fill your spirit and cement experiences into memories. Necessary to make you feel and hope and lose yourself.  

I exist in a continuous battle with spirituality and faith.

  "Good" fighters are scary.  They make you lose your stand and question yourself. Sometimes you need to recognize how a strong opinion being thrown at you is actually just a defense against that person's incompetency.

I have never understood this statement as much as I do now:
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”