So what you're saying is there's a chance....

Considering all I can think about lately is all the things I don't/can't/won't ever have, I decided to make a list of all things that I would love to do. These are a bunch of things I’d like to accomplish in my life. Some of them are things I fantasize about but know they’ll never happen (getting liposuction, skydiving, finding one of the kids who's been on "My Super Sweet 16" and physically assaulting them), and others are things that I feel are semi-possible – even more so when I say them out loud. So here goes. Before I die, I’d like to:

1. Live in San Francisco.
2. Consistently work out on a daily basis again.
3. Buy a house/townhouse/condo. Anything really with separate rooms that no one else owns.
   
4. Get a breakout role in a feature film and be on my way to living in the Hollywood Hills with paparazzi hiding in my bushes. But only so I can throw things at them and flash them commando style and have them really, really care.
   
5. Take gourmet cooking classes so I can cook something resembling anything other than the art that is mixing three cereals in a drinking cup.
   
6. Date a soft spoken, intelligent guy who is simultaneously cute, wears good jeans, has hot sneakers, is okay with the metro label and isn't in any way, shape or form pretentious, obnoxious, jealous or in any other way identifies with the term douchebaggery. Oh, and has dark hair and is tall.
   
7. Have someone fabulous help me decorate my apartment with antiques and garage sale treasures.
8. Visit South Africa and Australia.
9. Bust out a PhD or PsyD in the minimum amount of time required and wow everyone at the dissertation committee with my unbelievable intelligence, quick wit and innovative hypotheses.
   
10. Have a group of friends that all live in the same place at the same time and are content being there and haven't gone on to have families and babies and sell out.
    
11. Get to a point where I don't think banking on your significant other's $ and/or having kids with no semblance of another part of your life is selling out.
    
12. Sit front row at an amazing concert, an NBA finals game, the Academy Awards or any other supremely exciting event.
    
13. Get a degree in something that I would never really think of getting a job in .
    
14. Co-own a city coffee shop with a really awesome friend.
15. Be financially stable enough to get weekly manicures and monthly massages and facials.
16. Be a front runner protester in D.C. and have an excuse to go all out with crazy t-shirts and huge signs proclaiming extreme liberal and feminist ideas. Mostly because it would be hilarious, but a little bit because I would probably totally believe in it.
17. Retire with the ability to have a huge SoHo loft, a glassed in home on the beach in Pacific Heights and a lovely little villa in Capri...or Tuscany.
    

Numbers 4, 6, 9, and 11 are questionable. But one can dream..

Sia

This pretty much sums it up...

"I'm not sure about people anymore. They're responsible for some pretty nutty stuff......Individuals I'm crazy about though." --Berkeley Breathed

"If everyone else jumps off a bridge...."

To continue with the theme of me totally disagreeing with myself, I'm going to go ahead and admit that the present ain't all it's cracked up to be. When you're around people who are bored and dissatisfied with their life, their job, their other half, or whatever else, it has a funny way of rubbing off onto you. There's only so many times I can try to convince myself I shouldn't be doing something else until I finally admit that I'm lying. Why is the grass always greener?

I have all of these memories of different parts of my life; different bold moves I've made that felt scary and difficult at the time, but now are just parts of my personal history. I think I take more risks that I give myself credit for, but I've also begun to realize that I have a funny way of romanticizing certain aspects of my past. I just feel that if my urge to do something is so persistent, I should probably listen to it. I never trust my gut -- I never thought I had one. But lately, I can't help but wonder if there's something I'm supposed to be doing right now. I can always make excuses for that easier, safer more stable path, but I feel like the best and worst things that have happened to me went down when I chose to do something that everyone else found crazy.

I know there's a litte bit of misery and a little bit of wonderful in most of life's important endeavors, but what's with always wanting to be doing something else? I'm sure I've said this here before, but I don't really believe in fate. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason because I think we either makes things happen or we don't, and there's often no explanation for that at all. I do wonder if there's something we're all just supposed to do, something we have to realize and then run with it once we do. I guess I can think of one thing I might have been "made" to do, but if that's the case, why aren't I eternally happy when I'm doing it? Damn you, life, stop interfering with my destiny.

At dinner with a friend last night, I listened to him put down his fears and hopes and considerations and dreams without any abandon. (And it wasn't because of the mojitos either). I was super quiet...hoping my active listening would let him continue to spew how he really feels as this is something that doesn't happen often with him. He needed it, I think. I hope I responded, or didn't respond, in the way he needed. But within everything he was saying, there was hope and confidence in his sense of self. His willingness to just go for it..no matter how uncomfortable or scary or unstable. I really admire him for it. How many chances do you get to abandon all the rules and considerations and things that make sense and just go for something? I keep wanting to live that kind of life even though it totally isn't me. Maybe it should be.

"stolen"

Watch you spin around

In your highest heels

You are the best one

Of the best ones

Leaving on a jet plane.....

...wish I'd never have to come back again.
After counseling too many rape survivors, doing nothing but emotional eating, getting, on average, 4 hours of sleep a night, serving jappy, condescending, ugly penn bitches fat-free fro yo and writing the worst 20 page research paper i've ever written on loss/grief theory and its clinical implications.......i'm off to Florida for "Spring Break", bitches. And I swear to God, if it's not violently UV sunny every single day for seven days, I'm taking someone out. Cross your fingers that the plane doesn't crash. Then again......at least I wouldn't have to worry about configuring an appropriate resume, finding an apartment in an area where i won't die, finding a job and coming to terms that I have to be an adult when I get back......so, on second thought, just cross the fingers on one hand.