Friends with Kids

Jason: You think that we don't love each other? You know, I have loved this girl for nineteen years, Ben. That is fully half my life. I know everything there is to know about her. I know the mood she's in when she wakes up in the morning - always happy, ready for the day. Can you imagine? I know that she is honest; she won't even take the little shampoo bottles from the hotel room, or sneak into the movie theater for a double feature. She always buys a second ticket. Always. I know that we have the same values, we have the same taste, we have the same sense of humor. I know that we both think that organized religion is completely full of shit. I know that if she is ever paralyzed from the neck down, she would like me to unplug her - and I will. I know her position on just about everything, and I am on board. I am on board with everything about her, so you tell me, Ben. What better woman could I have picked to be the mother of my child? 


Ben: So, why didn't you guys ever even try to get together? 

Jason: It's too much familiarity. It's like she's one of my limbs. 

Ben: And that's bad, because...? 

EVEN NOW.

What you remember when you are slipping away is anyone's guess. But even when it comes on fast there is probably something:

Your bat slamming the rubber tee under the baseball, the voices of your mom and dad mixed in with all the happy cheering back behind you somewhere, the sound of your small heart thumping so hard down inside of your bony chest, hot dog smell, a bird flying over centerfield, the ball rolling slowly across the bright green grass three feet in front of you, the interrupted baseline disappearing beneath your sneaks as you chug as hard as you can towards the five or six kids in Dodger blue all gathered around first base looking lost and desperate and confused and excited and trying to get you 'out' but not all that worried about it in the end.

The clumpy snow on your sled blades falling away as you brush it with your wet glove.

Santa Claus in the sky/he's really a plane/you will never ever know that.

Your mother's warm oniony breath as she situates you upon your pillow at the end of a long good day.

The chlorine in your eyes. The sting of happiness.

Your tiny brother in the doorway holding Winnie the Pooh.

Mint. Toothpaste. Burning life.

Read more from one the greatest writers I know

waiting, and wishing, and hoping

Is it January 13th yet?
I need this show back in my life. Immediately.

The Fault in Our Stars

one of the best books I've read in a while

For.....

“She loved the landscape inside him. It was exotic and familiar at the same time. From the start she knew she could live there for years and feel at home.”

See, the thing is....

......that when your partner of 4 years dumps you on your ass without any indication, you kind of literally have to pick up the pieces.  And you don't really know where to start.  Because when you met you were only just turning 25 and when he dumped your ass bc you were diagnosed with chronic pain issues and he had a pathology around intimacy and commitment, you were nearing 30.

What is one supposed to do with all that? Having half of her 20s wasted, all along assuming this was the "one"?  (Ugh, does that even exist?)

I go out with my friend tonight.  We met through a women's get together thing, that actually has felt sort of distancing rather than connecting as most of the women are married and having kids and that's what ends up getting focused on because apparently that's what women in their late 20s/early 30s do?

So I pushed myself. Trust me when I say PUSHED.
It was 5:30 and I was all ready to get into my pjs, have wine and say hello to my TV.  It feels old and weird and shitty to be out at a bar. But, that's one does, I suppose, when she's alone and 30 and unloved.

My friend is a doctor.  She brought along some doctor friends to this other friend's birthday.  Here's how that goes:
Birthday dude, whom I've never met, is superbly drunk and keeps hugging me and telling me I have beautiful eyes.
Doctor dude #1, whom I've never met, tells me all about his failing relationship and sits close to me at every bar while putting his arm around me at every opportunity.

And then there doctor dude #3 who, I've been prewarned, is a lady lover (read:player). Enter the Greek doctor named Thanos. He is an attending at 2 major city hospitals.  He lived in Montreal until the age if 15.  He spoke French to me. And I'm a goner.

I have no capability to be attracted to men that could possibly be nice to me or treat me well.