Sunday, March 18, 2007

"If everyone else jumps off a bridge...."

To continue with the theme of me totally disagreeing with myself, I'm going to go ahead and admit that the present ain't all it's cracked up to be. When you're around people who are bored and dissatisfied with their life, their job, their other half, or whatever else, it has a funny way of rubbing off onto you. There's only so many times I can try to convince myself I shouldn't be doing something else until I finally admit that I'm lying. Why is the grass always greener?

I have all of these memories of different parts of my life; different bold moves I've made that felt scary and difficult at the time, but now are just parts of my personal history. I think I take more risks that I give myself credit for, but I've also begun to realize that I have a funny way of romanticizing certain aspects of my past. I just feel that if my urge to do something is so persistent, I should probably listen to it. I never trust my gut -- I never thought I had one. But lately, I can't help but wonder if there's something I'm supposed to be doing right now. I can always make excuses for that easier, safer more stable path, but I feel like the best and worst things that have happened to me went down when I chose to do something that everyone else found crazy.

I know there's a litte bit of misery and a little bit of wonderful in most of life's important endeavors, but what's with always wanting to be doing something else? I'm sure I've said this here before, but I don't really believe in fate. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason because I think we either makes things happen or we don't, and there's often no explanation for that at all. I do wonder if there's something we're all just supposed to do, something we have to realize and then run with it once we do. I guess I can think of one thing I might have been "made" to do, but if that's the case, why aren't I eternally happy when I'm doing it? Damn you, life, stop interfering with my destiny.

At dinner with a friend last night, I listened to him put down his fears and hopes and considerations and dreams without any abandon. (And it wasn't because of the mojitos either). I was super quiet...hoping my active listening would let him continue to spew how he really feels as this is something that doesn't happen often with him. He needed it, I think. I hope I responded, or didn't respond, in the way he needed. But within everything he was saying, there was hope and confidence in his sense of self. His willingness to just go for matter how uncomfortable or scary or unstable. I really admire him for it. How many chances do you get to abandon all the rules and considerations and things that make sense and just go for something? I keep wanting to live that kind of life even though it totally isn't me. Maybe it should be.

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