A personal note to all the tens of American gals out there considering joining the epidemic fad of having "partial birth" abortions.
Hello all you fertile gals out there who aren't reduced to paying fistfuls of cash for Chinese babies! If you haven't heard, my hubby's fabulous Supreme Court appointees have just taken those "partial birth" abortion things you all are so wild about off the menu at Planned Parenthood. Now, I have to be honest: After squeezing two of those messy nuisances out of my own painfully dilated lady area, I've never understood why anyone would be partial to birth. But while that procedure may only happen super-rarely to save the whining, blubbering "I'm a-scared to die!" mother's life, outlawing it is an important first step towards a glorious future where the exit to all your mischievous little hoo-hoos will be heavily patrolled by men in long black robes. So if you don't want that hairy beast Justice Scalia sticking a flashlight up your skirt, here are my tips for making the best of the burden that is (partial) free will:
- LADY HOLES CLOSED: By far, the best way to avoid being convicted for what comes out of your vagina is being a bit more vigilant about what you stuff into it! That's why we girls in the know all practice abstinence-only even after marriage, because who wants to risk being thrown into some grungy prison that's teeming with colored gang lesbians who'd love nothing more than to ride your pretty white face like it's the mechanical bull at Gilley's honky-tonk!
- DON'T TEMPT RAPE: While I'll be the first to admit that few things are more fun than keeping our boyfriends and husbands in a perpetual state of priapic agony by keeping all three entrances off-limits, that won't help much if you're taken forcefully, now will it? That's why with legal abortion soon to go bye-bye, it's extra important for us gals to avoid the tight cashmere sweater sets and salacious bare ankles that provoke otherwise lovely young gentlemen into dispensing vigilante penis justice to all slutty temptresses who deserve it.
- ACCEPT YOUR LOT IN LIFE: Remember that as women, our lives are utterly meaningless up until the day we become a fertile receptacle for an energetic squirt of our man's godly sperm. Luckily for us, all three branches of America's government are packed full of kindly old skirt chasers who won't rest until we've been alleviated of the burden of co-called "choice", and can fully appreciate the fact that we must be joyously subservient to the sticky teaspoon of milky man gloop that represents the rightful limits of our aspirations.
- THINK NICE THOUGHTS: Bad news from the ultrasound technician? Don't fret! Just because you're in imminent danger of being split in two by a hideously abnormal octopus baby that's growing out of control like an enormous, insatiable tapeworm, that's no reason to dwell morosely on the fact that the one operation which might have saved your life is now illegal. Just think about pleasant things, like how peachy it is that your handful of remaining days will be spent in FREEDOM®!
- GET ENTREPRENEURIAL: They say "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well with Partial Birth Abortion out of the picture, I say, "If your neighbor's rapist gives her a deaf baby – make hearing aids!" America will soon be harvesting a bumper crop of little flipper children with no arms. Do you think Macy's will have cute little jumpers that accommodate a tail resulting from a prenatal pharmaceutical mishap? No! But you can! So break out your knitting needles and craft kits gals, and consider starting a home business selling hand-made deformity fashions on eBay! You didn't hear it from me, but Samuel Alito swears that vinyl onsies with the "external intestines pouch" will next year's baby shower hot ticket!
- SECURE PROPER TRANSPORTATION: While abortion is an abomination that must be totally wiped out, we must also realize that accidents do happen, like when your darling blue-eyed trustifarian daughter sits on the wrong toilet seat and gets immaculately impregnated by a Mexi-Rican pool boy or some young fellow whose parents practice the wrong flavor of Jesus worship. In those cases, you'll need to be prepared with your own GulfStream IV jet, in order to whisk your precious Republican debutante to a Caribbean clinic for some "emergency" TLC. Ask for the "Jennappendectomy" – they'll know what you mean.
- INVEST WISELY: Change is usually difficult, but change also offers wonderful opportunities. Rest assured this will also be the case with the now-inevitable outlawing of abortion. That's why NOW is the time to identify and invest in the coming era's emerging growth markets. And between you and me, my money's on cemetery real estate and wire coat-hanger futures!