oh mah god

it happened. it actually happened...............i worked out.
as in ran. as in sweat(sweated? whatevs.). as in couldn't breathe. as in got really unattractively red-faced.
but it's like, if i have to watch one more episode of Work Out and have suicidal ideations when my jeans don't fit week after week, it's just going to be a bad scene. it literally took me over an hour to find something to wear yesterday because i couldn't handle the muffin top action. Ew, i can't even believe i just wrote that. Seven for all Mankind doesn't make jeans that fit fat-asses and given that i've reached their biggest size, something's gotta give because i'm certainly not giving them up. and i clearly can't do the whole no eating thing, no matter how much i try. besides, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. therapy must have worked.
anyhoo! after weeks of contemplation and pussying out, i made the run mix on my iPod, threw on the sports bra, sweatpants and sneakers (and p.s. my SNEAKERS were tight?! is that possible?) and headed out. mind you, this whole process took over an hour.
ummmm...... running outside fucking sucks. just fyi. i got about three blocks from my apartment and the pain was so intense in my chest, i literally thought i was going to die. but then there were people around and so of course i had to keep going. i had visions of ambulances and ventilators and cute boys saving me. ugh, it was awful. why is running such a good idea in theory? and then you get out there and it's like you feel like the biggest failure of life because all the 52 year olds are passing you in their spandex which displays their legs which appear frighteningly more toned than your own 24 year old ones and you're just having an inner dialogue - um, bash session - that you have to keep going if not for the weight loss, then dear god, for eliciting the hotness factor when running (read: limping, panting) past any viable male prospect.
IT'S TOO MUCH!! and now i have a perpetual cough. and feel even fatter. and work out is on. how convenient. i'm calling a friend and going to get something to eat.
but first i have to get up. i think i might be dying a little bit on my couch right now. it's like i taste blood in the back of my throat. wtf is that about? so glad i'm working at mar tonight and get to eat allllll the fro yo i want.