So off I go today on my typical last-day-of-the-weekend shopping trip to SuperFresh and Target. The annoyance of these errands is two-fold; first, it's just pain in the ass to run errands and it's the last thing I want to be doing on a Sunday Funday. Which, as I've regretfully noticed, is becoming increasingly less and less fun. Secondly, it's as though someone declared this day National Couple Day and I have to navigate my shopping cart around and through these annoying needy clingers just to get a can of Campbell's tomato soup. Like, is it really necessary to hold hands while pushing your own cart and then block the ice-cream isle where I have to wait the appropriate time to ask you to move? Although why I'm concerned about breaking up your narcissistic embrace while freezing my ta-tas off is really beyond me.
Anyhoo, I call my friend Nick to be my beard...yes, that's what I said...but he appropriately got drunk last night and is out of commission. So I say, 'Fuck it', I'm bringing my friend Alex...who is a girl, but that's just fine by me. Anytime I get a sudden urge to ram my metal cart into the heels of these coupled up slow-walkers (as if you're in a fucking park taking a leisurely stroll!!), she'll be right next to me with her own metal cart, only she'll be making really fun loud screaming noises and really getting into it. But seriously though, that was the fastest shopping trip I've ever had.
So clearly, since we're not dating anyone (and don't wanna be anyway! mmmhmmm) we're all about the ice-cream stop since it's not like it really matters anyway. So off we go to the Gayborhood to get the real deal at More Than Just Ice Cream. And it really is. More than just ice cream. And I really am getting to the point of this post. So being that we are in the gayborhood, our server is gay as are many of the people in the restaurant. And our server is TOTES attractive. He's got this dark wavy-ish hair, dark green eyes, olive skin, hot diesel jeans, cute shoes and a really soft-spoken tone. Ahhh, so cute. And so gay. (And so sucks for you Nick that you didn't come with me because this was such a love connection for you.)
So clearly the conversation turns to boys and I just don't understand why it's SO difficult to find a guy who is really attractive, really nice and knows that Old Navy carpenter jeans are not okay. Like it would kill you to know that throwback Pumas and New Balances are cute sneakers. And what happened to quiet strength? I'm not talking moody and artsy. Just a quiet confidence. Sometimes living in Philadelphia is such a tease. The disproportionate rate of cute, attractive single straight guys compared those that are cute, attractive single gay guys is overwhelming. I want to date someone like the server at MTJIC! Ok and fine, generalizations, generalizations...but I've yet to find someone who comes with this total package. No pun intended. And I'm just not willing to be less than sublimely happy. Please...I do not have the time, nor the desire, to give up my freedom nor restructure my life for someone that isn't going to bring something to the table. And by something, I really do mean everything. But that's a whole other topic for a whole other day. Right now, all I want is to meet someone with a really cute pair of Diesel jeans and a calmness who makes me super happy when he comes walking down the street because he's got it together. In an un-assuming way of course. It's like Alec Baldwin says in 30 Rock when asked why he's wearing a tux: "It's after six. What am I, a farmer?"
And on that note, I'm off to watch 'Gay, Straight or Taken'...the new genius show that just films the game that I play everyday anyway.