Friday, February 16, 2007

freak attack.

This whole denial/avoidance thing I'm doing with transitioning into a "real adult" is starting to become overwhelming. My friend sends me an email last night asking if I would like to go with her today to a non-profit career fair in Bryn Mawr. So, of course, this forces me to look at the fact that I have no complete, or in any way decent, resume, I feel like I don't know how to actually be a clinical social worker and that I actually do not have any piece of my shit that I call my life together enough to actually attend a career fair. I even called my cousin to verify that I can't actually go to a career fair without a resume and in a polite, but disparaging/guilt inducing/incompetence suggesting way, she did confirm that, indeed, I cannot actually go to an event where people are looking to recruit me. Although, at this point, I don't really see why anyone would try to recruit me....for anything. Why can't I get it together??????? Since when am I the one who is not Type A and not ahead of everyone else in the school/career/life trajectory? And I don't even feel guilty about that! I actually feel guilty about not feeling guilty about not caring! So I call my friend and basically convince her that she doesn't actually want to go to a career fair today because it's too far, too cold, too soon. Ugh, who am I? Shit, if I'm going down, I'm dragging someone with me. Typical. I can't just be singularly self-destructive. Do you ever wish you could flash forward through the next five years? It would be nice to just wake up and be 30 tomorrow. But then I would probably have a mid-life crisis anyway. Since I don't really think there's a point in living after 60 years old. That's another blog.

This is too much. Not to mention the fact that I will definitely find at today's weigh in for Marathon's Biggest Loser Challenge that I have indeed gained weight since last week. Fucking emotional eating.

I'm going shopping. For clothes that won't fit anyway.

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