Tuesday, February 20, 2007

"sure, whatever you need"

the other day i got an email from a friend that said:

"you are really always there for everyone... it seems like you are constantly doing for others. i feel like i am always THINKING of others, or about how others feel, how i wish they could be happier or healthier, but i am not DOING as of late. i have really shut down alot of that. i think it's really respectable and wonderful that you are so giving but i hope that all those people are giving back to you. and you are getting what you need."

i have to say that that comment finally gave me a little bit of what i needed. and that's pretty fucking pathetic. so bear with me for the rant, but i need to get it out. feel free to skip over it.

i would classify myself as a pretty independent, self-sufficient, not needy person. and i think most people who know me can attest to that. i tend to be the person that doesn't really care if you're busy and can't get back to me. or if you break plans right before we're supposed to hang out. or if you choose your significant other over hanging out with me. it's just a lot easier not to care about those things. and if i'm friends with you, i don't really feel it's necessary to invite the type of drama that comes from getting angry about those type of things. it results in the silent treatment, then awkwardness, and then all that emotional messiness of having to make-up. ugh...my life is way too full for that. like, we're still friends. i'm not too worried about it.
i am also the type of person that would always rather talk about you than talk about me. which is wrapped up into a bunch of things. part of which includes being a nosy person who likes to fix people, but mostly because of low self-esteem, abandonment issues and etc. ok, so maybe i invite some of this on myself, but sometimes it's just really clear how self-centered most people are. and how they do whatever works best for them in the moment. and how it's really easy to take when someone is offering and not really worry too much about having to give anything back. after a while it just gets so annoying......ok fine, and hurtful. like would it kill you to pick up the fucking phone or go out of your way just a little to do something thoughtful? and not because you think you have to. because there's not really room in this blog to swing towards the 'condescending' end of the spectrum. i mean, christ, if you still want it to be all about you, it'll make you feel good too. wow. the reciprocity of giving. what a concept. and i don't really give a shit sometimes what you think or what you would do IF. it's getting to the point where i'm asking myself how i manage to pick the wrong people as friends. i'm tired of being wrong about people. shouldn't i have some more insight than that? i'm definitely better at it when it doesn't have to do with me. or hey, maybe it's my fault. maybe when you don't ask for anything and therefore don't expect anything, you just don't get anything. but here's a newsflash: What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do for the people you say you love that counts. unless of course, you just don't. and that's fine too. but it would be nice if you got off the selfish ride and stopped taking what you need. just a thought.

and, in keeping with the selfish theme here, if you think this blog is about you....
well, it probably is.

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